Could Genuine Friendship Soothe the Ache of Singleness?

Blog Admin June 20, 2023

Could Genuine Friendship Soothe the Ache of Singleness?

By Katy Weaver

Singleness can be hard. Some may be in a place where they disagree, while others may be tracking entirely. Regardless of where you find yourself, the desire of this piece is to encourage and uplift, rather than be an unhelpful reminder of an undesirable or challenging season.

From a secular standpoint, singleness is tied to being alone and often associated with being unmarried. For Christ followers, this includes a commitment to sexual abstinence until marriage, as well as the pursuit of purity and holiness. Scripturally, singleness is referenced as a gift and a blessing. Practically, it is often difficult and riddled with misconceptions.

Most of us are likely familiar with Paul’s words to the Corinthians regarding singleness. In our efforts to find comfort, understanding, and solace in a God-glorifying way, we often try to hold tightly to his words. Who wouldn’t want to be “free from anxieties” (1 Cor 7:32, ESV)? Shouldn’t it be encouraging that “he who refrains from marriage will do even better” (1 Cor 7:38)?

If these are the truths before us, why is singleness so hard?

Outside of the obvious realities of unmet desires and the potential for loneliness, addressing some of the misconceptions tied to singleness is of paramount importance.

First and foremost, there is an unfortunate stigma present in the church today that being single is “lesser than,” maybe even wrong. For most, this is not an obvious admission. Rather, it is a subconscious belief that singles are incomplete or lacking. This ideology directly contradicts the truth of the Scripture referenced above, and also damages those who are presently single. This way of thinking, especially if paired with an idolatrous view of marriage, reiterates to the single individual that they are somehow inadequate.

This can be challenging when, in efforts to encourage one another, we sometimes affirm this misconception through mistruth or promises that were never guaranteed. Examples include the expectation that marriage is a given, or that those “called to singleness” will eventually reach a point where they do not desire marriage.

Some singles may think these things about themselves outside of the influence of others. In his book, Going Solo, Eric Klinenberg reveals the staggering amounts of individuals choosing to live alone due to the growing societal trend that convenience is more favorable than community. Whether through lifestyle choice or unmet expectations, single people can quickly begin to believe lies about themselves without ever having a conversation with another individual pertaining to the topic.

Secondly, singleness is often not a chosen season. It can be accompanied by feeling denied certain desires or privileges that God allows others to have. Some may be tempted to view their singleness as wasteful, or as a way God is keeping them from sexual fulfillment or genuine satisfaction. These misunderstandings promote the idolatry of marriage in the church and an incomplete view of intimacy.

Sam Allberry’s book, 7 Myths about Singleness (shameless plug, it’s phenomenal), has been a helpful resource for me as I have thought through this topic. Here are four suggestions for addressing the challenges and misconceptions related to singleness.

Prepare to fight

Singles must fight the temptation to believe the lies of the enemy. This means fleeing the tendency to superimpose thoughts or assumptions on others. Sometimes, we will have to disregard the comments of others while extending grace to them in moments of unintended ignorance. Other times, it will simply mean preaching the gospel of grace and truth to ourselves in order to see our worth as image-bearers of the King.

Work toward a unified understanding of friendship

Thankfully, the Bible provides us with beautiful, unadulterated examples of friendship. Take David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel, or meditate on Proverbs 17-19. Genuine friendship is a voluntary, committed support for another that requires protection and is rooted in the humility of the gospel. It requires work from both parties. This means that singles cannot walk around expecting others to always understand their struggles and meet all their needs.

Simultaneously, Scripture’s emphasis on friendship means that we all must prioritize building relationships with people who are in seasons different than our own, guaranteeing the edification of the saints. Singles have the ability to pursue a greater breadth of friendships; couples and families have the ability to invite others to be a part of the family experience in their home. Neither is better than the other. Both are important for the health of the body of Christ.

Pursue lives of grace and intentionality

Not everyone is going to do this perfectly. We live in an age where friendship is being denigrated daily. In his book, Allberry discusses how the rise of social media has made “friendship” trivial and fake as we flaunt our abundance of comrades through likes and mentions. We must be intentional towards one another to champion the gift of friendship, especially within the local body. Through the gospel, we have much in common with each other.

Come to an appropriate understanding of intimacy

Too often we associate intimacy with sex and believe that deep affection must be sexual in nature. However, if we are in Christ, we are able to experience the deepest intimacy there is. We are all fully known and loved by him. He himself tells us this when he says, “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). Allberry sums it up well when he states, “friendship is a wonderful form of intimacy… to be so deeply known and so deeply loved is precious.”

Do we believe that deep friendship is possible? If so, could this friendship help soothe the ache of singleness? Let’s humbly strive to put on Philippians 2:3-4 and “count others more significant than [ourselves]” and “look not only to [our] own interests, but also to the interests of others.” As we seek to humbly understand others and their season, we will be better suited to build relationships in the body. Just think about all the ways the church could minister through a community of faith marked by vulnerable, constant, genuine friendships that reside in the gospel. What a testimony to a dying world! Soli Deo Gloria.

Katy serves as the Director of College Discipleship, Membership, and Growth Groups at Imago Dei Church. She holds an MA in Christian Education from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary and is most passionate about seeing people grow in their love and understanding of God’s Word and His character. If she isn’t playing any sport anywhere, you can catch her running some trails with her pup, Simon.

Community, Lifestyle, Theology

From the Podcast: Learning Friendship from Children

IDC Admin February 2, 2023

From the Podcast: Learning Friendship from Children

By Kent Bass

We just released a Striving Together podcast episode on friendship. If you haven’t listened to it yet, I hope you will soon. Pastor Shane and Pastor Manny had a helpful conversation about what it looks like to experience friendship, especially in the context of the church.

Of particular note to me was a small anecdote Shane shared about one of his children becoming new friends with another child. What struck me was the ease at which young children can (generally) develop friendships. Kids can walk into a room, start playing with complete strangers, and walk away confident the person they were playing with is a new pal–almost as if they had been friends from birth. Why does it seem so easy for them?

Children don’t bring cynical judgments into relationships

One of the barriers we face in developing friendships is our cynicism. We think, “That person wouldn’t want anything to do with me. And even if they did, they probably wouldn’t understand how to care for me.” Whether it’s our personality or past experience, we can view relationships with a “glass half empty” lens. Cynical assumptions don’t breed relational depth.

Children don’t bring fearful expectations into friendships

Shane mentioned fear being a barrier to relationships, and I wholeheartedly agree. Even though we can pride ourselves on being more reasonable and rational than children (monsters aren’t real) we allow our “mature” fears to dictate how we interact with others. “If I opened up and shared about who I am and how I feel, if they really knew me, they wouldn’t want to be my friend.” Fear tries to convince us we are sovereign, that we know for sure what will happen. Living as if our “what if?” fears are certainties will keep us from the kind of vulnerability that friendship requires and thrives on.

What can we learn from kids?

Cynicism and fear certainly aren’t the only barriers to friendship, but what I appreciate (and often learn) from my own children when they encounter problems is this: they are quick to come to me. Monsters under the bed might seem ridiculous to me, but their irrational fears lead them into my arms.

This is the kind of childlike faith that Tony preached on from Luke 18. “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it” (vs16-17). The faith of a child is the recognition of need and the belief that God can provide. Childlike faith embraces dependence on the Father.

What obstacles keep you from experiencing friendship? As you face these obstacles, does your faith in God lead you toward him and others, or do you turn inward in disbelief? Let’s be a people who depend on God. In his wisdom, he has given us a family of faith to provide us with care and support. Let’s strive together to embrace the gift of friendship.

________

Kent is a native of southern Illinois and a graduate of the University of Illinois. He holds an MA in Biblical Counseling from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He met his wife Hope at a Christian sports camp in Pennsylvania in 2007. They got married in 2010 and have four kids: Silas, Anna, Grace, and Asa. He is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan and loves talking about the intricacies of the golf swing. As a pastor, he loves having a front-row seat to watch how Jesus transforms people’s lives.

Blog, Community

Five Things the Lord Taught Me About Grief

Blog Admin July 13, 2022

Five Things the Lord Taught Me About Grief

As a trained biblical counselor, you might think that I know a lot about grieving. I know many things, but learned things come into greater clarity when you experience them personally. So I thought I would share a few new things the Lord has lovingly taught me these last six months since my mom passed away. I hope you will find them helpful.

1. A good listener is a wonderful gift.

Shortly after my mom’s death, I had two sweet, godly friends ask me to lunch. When I had lunch with the first friend, she let me share all the details of what happened the month preceding mom’s death. She just listened. I felt loved and cared for.

The second friend tried to be helpful and every so often in my telling the details, she would compare my experience to her painful experience when one of her parents died. I am quite certain her responses came from a loving heart. However, the comparisons were not helpful. What I found when leaving lunch with the second friend is that I not only felt the burdens of my own pain, but I also felt hers. As a result, I left feeling more sadness and grief.

To serve someone well in their grief, be a good listener. You can start the conversation simply by asking, What happened? As a follow-up question, you might ask, What was the hardest part? A final question might be, What could I do that would be helpful?

2. Some friends may not understand; don’t be hurt by this.

I have many wonderful young friends. Because they are so young, many of them have not yet experienced the loss of a parent. This makes it difficult for them to understand the grief I felt. Additionally, I was so blessed to have had a godly mother. She was my best girlfriend and we spent a lot of time together hanging out. I miss her every day. The Lord showed me that another impediment to a friend understanding the grief I experienced could be the fact that they have a very different relationship with their mom/dad. It may be strained, superficial, or even non-existent. In cases like this, there may even be some jealousy.

The Lord was gracious to help me realize no one could truly know how I was feeling. It may have been because of a lack of experience of grief or due to very different relationships. Either way, I had to recognize these truths and choose not to have my feelings hurt but rather to extend grace. In some situations, I found myself taking advantage of a teachable moment to help friends understand ways they could serve a grieving brother or sister.

3. Anger – it may surprise you.

If you’ve ever studied grief, then you probably know that anger is often cited as one of the “stages” of grief. I knew this. However, I assumed it meant you were mad at the person responsible for the death, the person who died, or maybe even God. I found that I was angry, but not at anyone in particular. I found I had a very short fuse and became angry at the most ridiculous things – like the bank teller being too slow. Knowing this aspect of anger during grief can help one understand the actions of the grieved and react with grace and care.

4. Be honest about your feelings.

I think a natural tendency for most people is to hide their feelings. How many times have you been having an awful day and yet you respond with, “I’m fine” when asked? I found it helpful to simply say, “I’m not doing too well today, but thank you so much for asking,” or “I’m really struggling with sadness today, would you pray for me?” This does two things. First, it helps you to tell someone when you are hurting, not to elicit some response or action from them, but to simply acknowledge out loud how you feel inside. Second, friends really do care, and telling the truth about your feelings gives them insight as to how they can pray for you and be a better friend.

5. Meal delivery gift cards are a remarkable gift.

I grew up in the South and was taught the “right” way to minister to someone who is grieving is through food. While I do love a tasty casserole, I experienced the beauty of calling for a meal when I needed it the most, such as when I felt immobilized in my grief and could not get off the couch. Not every day is the same when you are grieving; some days are just harder than others. The meal delivery gift cards were incredibly helpful on those days.

Grief will come to all and for a variety of reasons. I hope this article has been helpful for you both personally and as you serve your brothers and sisters.

Denise has served as the Director of Women’s Life and Assistant Professor at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, where she taught graduate courses in ministry to women. Prior to serving at Southeastern, Denise was a student there and earned both her MA in Biblical Counseling and Doctor of Education. Currently, she serves as Director of Counseling Development. Denise and her husband Rod have been married 46 years and have two married daughters and six grandchildren.

Blog, Community, Counseling

The Witness of Imagination

Blog Admin May 18, 2022

The Witness of Imagination

I love fiction. While many people enjoy watching “reality” shows like The Amazing Race or The Great British Baking Show, I prefer stories set in galaxies far, far away. As comedian Jerry Seinfeld quips, “When men are growing up and they’re reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman … those are not fantasies … they’re options“. I appreciate a good imagination and storytelling that is full of possibilities. Whether we like reality shows or high fantasy novels, we all have an imagination, and God created us with the capacity to imagine things other than they appear.

C. S. Fritz writes, “Imagination is simply the ability to visualize that which is not visual, to see the unseeable”. A vital part of belief is the ability to imagine. For example, the Apostle Paul encourages us to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2). This requires the ability to imagine—to see a world under the perfect reign of King Jesus in our mind’s eye.

Take another example: When a father brought his son to Jesus to be healed and said, “But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus, ever merciful and patient, replied to the scared father, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father cried out, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:20-24). This anxious dad needed to see, to imagine that Jesus could do it, that he would do it, that he is who he says he is.

Can we envision—can we imagine—God saving someone else by using us to share the gospel?

In his book, The Arts and the Christian Imagination, professor and apologist Clyde S. Kilby shares about the Christian imagination:

“Can the Christian ever be a true witness to his neighbor until he comprehends the sin which captivates his neighbor, until with some vividness he imagines his neighbor different from what he is now? And is it not this very process of creative imagination which enables brotherly love to move forth dynamically in relation to another human being? In fact, apart from such imaginative participation, will not one’s neighbor become mere object-to-be-saved, to whom a formula of regeneration is indiscriminately spoken robot-fashion and apart from genuine sympathy and love?”

Kilby encourages us to use the gift of our imagination to visualize our lost neighbor as someone different, someone redeemed, someone brought into the grace of the Lord Jesus. Our imagination allows us to see that person, in all their uniqueness, transformed by the gospel.

Can we not imagine our neighbor as other than what he is? I’m not saying that we use our imagination to will something to occur. Instead, as Kilby argues, imagination fuels movement and action. When we do not conceive of the glorified, eternal soul redeemed by the Savior, we do not feel the importance of sharing our great hope with them. Imagination becomes a power for our evangelism because we “see” what is possible and know that our God can do it.

We too often share the gospel for our own sake—to ward off the shame or fear of not speaking when we know we ought. “Well, I tried,” we say after a robotic presentation disconnected from the uniqueness of the person standing in front of us. But to share for their sake—this specific person’s sake—requires seeing them as they are and imagining them as God desires them to be.

Do we believe that he can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us (Ephesians 3:20)? Imagine the demons shuddering; imagine the sick healed; imagine the dead raised to life. And imagine this person before you, not as a project but as a possible recipient of God’s transforming gospel.

Imagining the Kingdom is more than conceiving the streets of gold upon which we will one day walk. Imagining the Kingdom is also about imagining our lost neighbor as a citizen of that Kingdom, a partaker of its ministry, and a unique and beloved creation of God.

What shall we do? As Christians, it’s important to cultivate what many refer to as a sanctified imagination—an imagination shaped by the Holy Spirit through the Word of God. Theologian Kevin Vanhoozer shared in an interview two simple ways to begin cultivating a sanctified imagination:

Reading. Vanhoozer writes, “Reading, then, is a kind of strength-training that flexes the muscles of our imagination. Those who read widely are often those who are able to employ metaphors that connect ordinary life to the wonderful real world of the Bible.”
Viewing myself as part of the ongoing action that the Bible recounts. We seek to view the world and our participation in it through the lens of the gospel. We also view our relationships through this lens—we are part of God’s redeeming work in the world, fleshed out in numerous ways in every interaction we have.

Jesus is the hero of the Great Story and, by his grace, we get to participate with him in his saving work. May we cultivate our imaginations so that we can see the possible in the lives of those we seek to reach with the gospel.

Trevor is originally from Oklahoma and serves on staff at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest, NC. He holds a bachelor’s degree from Mid-America Christian University as well as a master’s degree and a doctorate from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is a fan of good coffee, bookstores, and superheroes. Trevor and his wife, Ashley, raise their daughters in Wake Forest.

Blog, Community, Evangelism, Outreach, Theology

The Messy Beauty of Gospel Community

Blog Admin April 6, 2022

The Messy Beauty of Gospel Community

Over the past decade, the term “gospel community” has grown popular. But what does “gospel community” actually mean? It’s become one of those phrases that we may hear a lot or even say a lot, but do we know what it means? As we live life alongside one another in the local church, we need to grasp what the Bible tells us about how we live well with one another.

Gospel Community Defined

First, when we talk about being a gospel community, we mean that we are a community that is formed and sustained by the gospel. In Titus 2, Paul writes that Jesus Christ “gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works” (Titus 2:14 ESV). The Apostle Paul points to the gospel—the good news that Jesus gave himself to redeem and purify a people for himself. Those who respond in faith to that good news are made part of God’s people. We are literally brought into the family of Jesus Christ.

By “gospel community,” we also mean that we are a community that is centered on the gospel. The good news of Jesus Christ is our focus. We look to Christ, follow Christ, and are excited about Christ. Everything we do comes back to Jesus and points to his life-changing message.

"The good news of Jesus Christ is our focus. We look to Christ, follow Christ, and are excited about Christ. Everything we do comes back to Jesus and points to his life-changing message."

Why Gospel Community Matters

Once we understand what it is, we can understand why it matters. Why does it matter that God has brought you, Christian, into his people? Why is the church so important?

We see the answer clearly in 1 Timothy 3.

“…if I delay, you may know how one ought to behave in the household of God, which is the church of the living God, a pillar and buttress of the truth.” (1 Timothy 3:15)

Paul describes the church as the “pillar and foundation of the truth.” God uses his church to uphold and proclaim the gospel to the world. He sets them on a mission in the world. The manifold wisdom of God is made known through the church to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. God’s people declare to the world the glory of the Lord Jesus. Through this gospel community, God’s love is made manifest, God’s mission is accomplished, and God’s people are transformed more and more into the likeness of Jesus.

"God’s people declare to the world the glory of the Lord Jesus. Through this gospel community, God’s love is made manifest, God’s mission is accomplished, and God’s people are transformed more and more into the likeness of Jesus."

So it matters that we are saved into this thing we call “gospel community”—the church of God—because God reveals his glory to his people and through his people.

How We Live as Gospel Community

How does God reveal his glory in and through his people? Through the ways we live with and relate to one another in this community of faith.

Perhaps one of the best pictures of this is the early church found in Acts 2.

“And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.” (Acts 2:42-27)

This devotion to one another is counter-cultural. It’s a devotion to one another fueled by the gospel and a love for Jesus. Therefore, the first way we should live as a gospel community with one another is to cultivate our own love for God. Adoration leads to transformation; the way we live with one another is transformed by growing awe for the Lord.

The second way we should live as a gospel community is to love one another in both word and deed. We should actively live out the “one another’s” of Scripture. The New Testament contains around 60 “one another” commands given to Christians. For example:

In John 13, Jesus tells his disciples to love one another, explaining that their love will testify to the world that they are his disciples.
Romans 12:10 urges us to be devoted to one another in love.
In Galatians 5:13, Paul instructs the Galatians to serve one another in love.
1 Thessalonians 4:18 and 5:11 repeatedly call us to encourage or build up one another.

These “one another” commands are more than just nice ways to relate to each other. Going back to Jesus’ words in John 13, these “one another’s” are about neighbor love. They are about displaying a Kingdom ethic to one another and the world. As Christians, we have a different way of life and a different way of relating to one another in how we unite around the gospel. When we forgive one another, it points us to God’s ultimate forgiveness through Christ. When we serve one another, we are reminded of Christ who came to serve.

The “one another’s” are also a means of neighbor-love to those who are not followers of Jesus. In John 13, Jesus explains that the way we love one another is a testimony to the world about our Savior and Lord. It is a radically different love displayed through radically ordinary means. This love on display invites the watching world to come inside, follow Jesus, and become part of his family.

For an extended list of the “one another” passages, see this page.

The Glory of Gospel Community

This is why gospel community matters. God has saved us into a family, so let us be family. May we seek to be “one another Christians” who display the love of Christ in the way that we love and serve one another as a gospel community. Not every family is perfect, and the church on this side of eternity is no different. But we have a perfect Savior who is actively working in us to transform us—together—from one degree of glory to another.

Trevor is originally from Oklahoma and serves on staff at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest, NC. He holds a bachelor’s degree from Mid-America Christian University as well as a master’s degree and a doctorate from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is a fan of good coffee, bookstores, and superheroes. Trevor and his wife, Ashley, raise their daughters in Wake Forest.

Blog, Community, Lifestyle