Could Genuine Friendship Soothe the Ache of Singleness?

By Katy Weaver

Singleness can be hard. Some may be in a place where they disagree, while others may be tracking entirely. Regardless of where you find yourself, the desire of this piece is to encourage and uplift, rather than be an unhelpful reminder of an undesirable or challenging season.

From a secular standpoint, singleness is tied to being alone and often associated with being unmarried. For Christ followers, this includes a commitment to sexual abstinence until marriage, as well as the pursuit of purity and holiness. Scripturally, singleness is referenced as a gift and a blessing. Practically, it is often difficult and riddled with misconceptions.

Most of us are likely familiar with Paul’s words to the Corinthians regarding singleness. In our efforts to find comfort, understanding, and solace in a God-glorifying way, we often try to hold tightly to his words. Who wouldn’t want to be “free from anxieties” (1 Cor 7:32, ESV)? Shouldn’t it be encouraging that “he who refrains from marriage will do even better” (1 Cor 7:38)?

If these are the truths before us, why is singleness so hard?

Outside of the obvious realities of unmet desires and the potential for loneliness, addressing some of the misconceptions tied to singleness is of paramount importance.

First and foremost, there is an unfortunate stigma present in the church today that being single is “lesser than,” maybe even wrong. For most, this is not an obvious admission. Rather, it is a subconscious belief that singles are incomplete or lacking. This ideology directly contradicts the truth of the Scripture referenced above, and also damages those who are presently single. This way of thinking, especially if paired with an idolatrous view of marriage, reiterates to the single individual that they are somehow inadequate.

This can be challenging when, in efforts to encourage one another, we sometimes affirm this misconception through mistruth or promises that were never guaranteed. Examples include the expectation that marriage is a given, or that those “called to singleness” will eventually reach a point where they do not desire marriage.

Some singles may think these things about themselves outside of the influence of others. In his book, Going Solo, Eric Klinenberg reveals the staggering amounts of individuals choosing to live alone due to the growing societal trend that convenience is more favorable than community. Whether through lifestyle choice or unmet expectations, single people can quickly begin to believe lies about themselves without ever having a conversation with another individual pertaining to the topic.

Secondly, singleness is often not a chosen season. It can be accompanied by feeling denied certain desires or privileges that God allows others to have. Some may be tempted to view their singleness as wasteful, or as a way God is keeping them from sexual fulfillment or genuine satisfaction. These misunderstandings promote the idolatry of marriage in the church and an incomplete view of intimacy.

Sam Allberry’s book, 7 Myths about Singleness (shameless plug, it’s phenomenal), has been a helpful resource for me as I have thought through this topic. Here are four suggestions for addressing the challenges and misconceptions related to singleness.

Prepare to fight

Singles must fight the temptation to believe the lies of the enemy. This means fleeing the tendency to superimpose thoughts or assumptions on others. Sometimes, we will have to disregard the comments of others while extending grace to them in moments of unintended ignorance. Other times, it will simply mean preaching the gospel of grace and truth to ourselves in order to see our worth as image-bearers of the King.

Work toward a unified understanding of friendship

Thankfully, the Bible provides us with beautiful, unadulterated examples of friendship. Take David and Jonathan in 1 Samuel, or meditate on Proverbs 17-19. Genuine friendship is a voluntary, committed support for another that requires protection and is rooted in the humility of the gospel. It requires work from both parties. This means that singles cannot walk around expecting others to always understand their struggles and meet all their needs.

Simultaneously, Scripture’s emphasis on friendship means that we all must prioritize building relationships with people who are in seasons different than our own, guaranteeing the edification of the saints. Singles have the ability to pursue a greater breadth of friendships; couples and families have the ability to invite others to be a part of the family experience in their home. Neither is better than the other. Both are important for the health of the body of Christ.

Pursue lives of grace and intentionality

Not everyone is going to do this perfectly. We live in an age where friendship is being denigrated daily. In his book, Allberry discusses how the rise of social media has made “friendship” trivial and fake as we flaunt our abundance of comrades through likes and mentions. We must be intentional towards one another to champion the gift of friendship, especially within the local body. Through the gospel, we have much in common with each other.

Come to an appropriate understanding of intimacy

Too often we associate intimacy with sex and believe that deep affection must be sexual in nature. However, if we are in Christ, we are able to experience the deepest intimacy there is. We are all fully known and loved by him. He himself tells us this when he says, “No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you” (John 15:15). Allberry sums it up well when he states, “friendship is a wonderful form of intimacy… to be so deeply known and so deeply loved is precious.”

Do we believe that deep friendship is possible? If so, could this friendship help soothe the ache of singleness? Let’s humbly strive to put on Philippians 2:3-4 and “count others more significant than [ourselves]” and “look not only to [our] own interests, but also to the interests of others.” As we seek to humbly understand others and their season, we will be better suited to build relationships in the body. Just think about all the ways the church could minister through a community of faith marked by vulnerable, constant, genuine friendships that reside in the gospel. What a testimony to a dying world! Soli Deo Gloria.

Katy serves as the Director of College Discipleship, Membership, and Growth Groups at Imago Dei Church. She holds an MA in Christian Education from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary and is most passionate about seeing people grow in their love and understanding of God’s Word and His character. If she isn’t playing any sport anywhere, you can catch her running some trails with her pup, Simon.

The Witness of Imagination

I love fiction. While many people enjoy watching “reality” shows like The Amazing Race or The Great British Baking Show, I prefer stories set in galaxies far, far away. As comedian Jerry Seinfeld quips, “When men are growing up and they’re reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman … those are not fantasies … they’re options“. I appreciate a good imagination and storytelling that is full of possibilities. Whether we like reality shows or high fantasy novels, we all have an imagination, and God created us with the capacity to imagine things other than they appear.

C. S. Fritz writes, “Imagination is simply the ability to visualize that which is not visual, to see the unseeable”. A vital part of belief is the ability to imagine. For example, the Apostle Paul encourages us to set our minds on things above, not on earthly things (Colossians 3:2). This requires the ability to imagine—to see a world under the perfect reign of King Jesus in our mind’s eye.

Take another example: When a father brought his son to Jesus to be healed and said, “But if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.” Jesus, ever merciful and patient, replied to the scared father, “‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.” Immediately the father cried out, “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:20-24). This anxious dad needed to see, to imagine that Jesus could do it, that he would do it, that he is who he says he is.

Can we envision—can we imagine—God saving someone else by using us to share the gospel?

In his book, The Arts and the Christian Imagination, professor and apologist Clyde S. Kilby shares about the Christian imagination:

“Can the Christian ever be a true witness to his neighbor until he comprehends the sin which captivates his neighbor, until with some vividness he imagines his neighbor different from what he is now? And is it not this very process of creative imagination which enables brotherly love to move forth dynamically in relation to another human being? In fact, apart from such imaginative participation, will not one’s neighbor become mere object-to-be-saved, to whom a formula of regeneration is indiscriminately spoken robot-fashion and apart from genuine sympathy and love?”

Kilby encourages us to use the gift of our imagination to visualize our lost neighbor as someone different, someone redeemed, someone brought into the grace of the Lord Jesus. Our imagination allows us to see that person, in all their uniqueness, transformed by the gospel.

Can we not imagine our neighbor as other than what he is? I’m not saying that we use our imagination to will something to occur. Instead, as Kilby argues, imagination fuels movement and action. When we do not conceive of the glorified, eternal soul redeemed by the Savior, we do not feel the importance of sharing our great hope with them. Imagination becomes a power for our evangelism because we “see” what is possible and know that our God can do it.

We too often share the gospel for our own sake—to ward off the shame or fear of not speaking when we know we ought. “Well, I tried,” we say after a robotic presentation disconnected from the uniqueness of the person standing in front of us. But to share for their sake—this specific person’s sake—requires seeing them as they are and imagining them as God desires them to be.

Do we believe that he can do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us (Ephesians 3:20)? Imagine the demons shuddering; imagine the sick healed; imagine the dead raised to life. And imagine this person before you, not as a project but as a possible recipient of God’s transforming gospel.

Imagining the Kingdom is more than conceiving the streets of gold upon which we will one day walk. Imagining the Kingdom is also about imagining our lost neighbor as a citizen of that Kingdom, a partaker of its ministry, and a unique and beloved creation of God.

What shall we do? As Christians, it’s important to cultivate what many refer to as a sanctified imagination—an imagination shaped by the Holy Spirit through the Word of God. Theologian Kevin Vanhoozer shared in an interview two simple ways to begin cultivating a sanctified imagination:

Reading. Vanhoozer writes, “Reading, then, is a kind of strength-training that flexes the muscles of our imagination. Those who read widely are often those who are able to employ metaphors that connect ordinary life to the wonderful real world of the Bible.”
Viewing myself as part of the ongoing action that the Bible recounts. We seek to view the world and our participation in it through the lens of the gospel. We also view our relationships through this lens—we are part of God’s redeeming work in the world, fleshed out in numerous ways in every interaction we have.

Jesus is the hero of the Great Story and, by his grace, we get to participate with him in his saving work. May we cultivate our imaginations so that we can see the possible in the lives of those we seek to reach with the gospel.

Trevor is originally from Oklahoma and serves on staff at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary in Wake Forest, NC. He holds a bachelor’s degree from Mid-America Christian University as well as a master’s degree and a doctorate from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is a fan of good coffee, bookstores, and superheroes. Trevor and his wife, Ashley, raise their daughters in Wake Forest.